capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
