I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
