the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
