I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
