I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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