You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
