I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
