At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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