i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
