i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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