I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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