I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
