I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
