Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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