Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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