Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
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The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
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Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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