you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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