I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
