The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
