The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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