I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
