I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
