They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
