so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
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I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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