when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
