I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
