Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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