Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
