Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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