when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
