well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
