whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
