I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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