It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
