i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
