I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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