I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
