at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
