Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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