Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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