put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
