Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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