you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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