why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
