Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
