First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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