Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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