so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
