seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
