We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
