So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
