What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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