I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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