It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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