i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
