you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
