the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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