you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
