If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
