upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Randomize
