i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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