dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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