Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
