between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
