I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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