i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
