My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
